27 12 / 2012
Fighting isn’t going to solve anything. I get that your hurt and upset. But this affects me too, and the fighting is making everything ten times worse for me. Ever since I was little my top three fears were both of you die-ing at the same time, having a panic attack, an you guys getting divorced. I remember when you used to fight and I was so scared that one of you would leave I would make Jake guard a door and I would guard the other because I was afraid one of you would leave. I think this is why this is so hard for me. I grew up being so afraid of it that I’m older it’s become a phobia. I never imagined being able to handle divorce and now it’s happening. I wish with every bone, no cell, in my body that when I wake up that dad has changed his mind and is willing fix things. I always felt like this was going to happen. You’ve never been the lovey-dovey couple that holds hands, give kisses, or even hug. But I’d hope that maybe that’s just how you were or that you could live the rest of your life that way.
I’ve always firmly believed that divorce ruins everything. And someday’s I start to think that maybe I can do this. Maybe this will be for the better. But right now I just don’t see how this isn’t ripping our family apart. I’m petrified that when this is over mom is going to hate you. And I just can’t handle that. Every year since I’ve been born we’ve gone to Grandma Esthers for Christmas Eve. But next will my dad be there? How about on Christmas day when we go to Grandma Carolyns? Will mom be there? How is this not destroying everything? When I have a bad dream and I come into your room only one of you is going to be there. What If I come home from a really bad day and I have to know that one of you isn’t coming through that door?
I know neither of you will never leave me or Jake. But it won’t be the same. And right now I don’t need that kind of change in my life.
I hate that there is a part of me that might never forgive you for doing this. It’s breaking my heart. No one wants to be hurt by the one person they love the most in the world.
Is it really that hard to try and fix it? Just one last time. And really try. This time would be different, I know it would. You said you’ve tried in the past but that was half assed and one sided. I know mom is ready for real this time.
I hate that I keep learning things that a child shouldn’t know about their parents relationship. I didn’t want to know that both of you have cheated on each other in the past. Now for the rest of my life I’m going to wonder why, with who, for how long? And learning the answers to those questions is just as bad as not knowing. I don’t believe you when you say this isn’t about your homewrecking skank. I don’t believe you. I mean why now? Why after all this time of putting your “happieness” aside are you deciding that this is the right thing to do? It’s because of her. She’s a lie-ing piece of shit and she’s that little bird in your ear giving you options you weren’t even considering.
I may hate her. I don’t think I’ve ever actually hated anyone. I’ve said I’ve hated people but I don’t think I actually mean’t it. I didn’t even hate the kid who sent me home in tears from bullying me multiple times freshman year. I didn’t even hate the kid who was my best friend up until he decided I wasn’t good enough for him. But I think I hate her. I don’t want to hate anybody. And I’m pretty sure you don’t want to be the reason that I hate someone. So don’t do this.
When typing all this a word I had never used when trying to save our family came to mind. Please. Please don’t do this. Please keep the promise you made twenty years ago when you said I do. Please remember the fifteen years you spent dating and all the happy memories. Please. For me. Don’t do this. Please try and fix things, one last time. Please don’t break my heart.